Hard to keep hope

I left a 20 year relationship in October, we had been together so long, and his son had died two years before, and I didn’t have my own verblijfstitel or savings, so things were VERY bad before I left, and I was afraid to involve the police in case it affected my or my daughter’s ability to stay in the country.

The national abuse number I called then said they couldn’t help me.  The huisarts eventually got me in with PsyQ who just gave me increasing amounts of anti-anxiety meds when I complained that coping skills classes didn’t seem the right fit for abuse.  My physical complaints were also dismissed, and led to more anti-anxiety meds.  In May I had suicidal plans, was in extreme GI distress, and was refused all resources as I was already registered at PsyQ.

I’ve managed to get my own visa,  find housing, and thrift furnishings and smaller clothing, plus I’ve started specific treatment for CPTSD.  I’m down 15 kilo, still can’t eat, am too tired to keep appointments with an expat divorce lawyer, have lost 30% of my income with second year of ziektewet, and am in care with Maag/darm/lever, but scheduled for a third major diagnostic without having found a clear cause, and I still can’t eat.  Apparently twice a month ACT sessions mean I’m not able to access other mental health services.

I feel so stuck. I’ve made hard choices, I’m doing hard things.  I keep getting worse.  My only family here is my daughter (in MBO across the country).  I don’t know how to get better.