Loneliness and isolation

Hello everyone, 

My name is Adrian, and two years ago I recovered memories of having suffered sexual abuse as a kid. I was 5 years old when I was kidnapped and brutally raped by a neighbor. I always knew something was wrong in me, and it was only after more than a decade of therapy and information from my parents that I finally connected with those memories and feelings. My parents always suspected something had happened to me, but never dared to ask questions. I don't blame them, few people have the strength to admit that this happened to their family. 

This past two years I have worked extremely hard to get better and to overcome this. CBT, hypnotherapy, EMDR, Somatic Experiencing, boxing therapy, Exposure, peer support... and a PTSD diagnostic that was life changing in two different ways. On the one hand, it made me finally feel validated and understood. On the other hand, after reading the diagnostic I knew that I had to face the magnitude of it all, and learn how to live with a potentially crippling disorder that has taken the lives of so many people. 

I suffer from daily bodily memories, flashbacks, obsessions, hypervigilance, crushing anxiety, panic attacks, neurogenic tremors, disconnection from the self, low self-esteem, fear of intimacy, feelings of worthlessness, and occasional suicidal thoughts. And I know where to relate all of those to, but somehow it is difficult to admit that I walk around earth with a weight that very few understand and no one truly sees. 

Reading Peter Levine, Bessel van der Kolk, Gabor Maté, Terence Real, and many others has brought a sense of understanding and validation that is difficult to put into words. However, the mere thought of sharing my story and being in the same room with fellow brave survivors of CSA makes me want to cry my eyes out. As for years I have tried to fit in, act "normal" and engage in activities that my friends and family do routinely. Partying, dating, working, even sleeping seem (an emphatic seems, as you never know what people go through) like effortless activities for many, but for me they are all too often an exhausting and never-ending battle. 

I hope that I can soon meet up with fellow survivors in a safe therapeutical environment that can make me feel less alone and isolated. Sharing my story and feelings with my loved ones is certainly helpful, but I never truly feel understood or meanginfully helped. Going to therapy is essential to me of course, but I don't want to place expectations on people that haven't gone through CSA and PTSD and that, even if well-intentioned, make me feel even more strange and alone. The availability of connection with fellow survivors offers an indescribable sense of hope and possibilities. 

Life goes on and me with it, and I'm so proud of the journey so far. I just really hope that more people like me were closer and that I wouldn't have to walk this journey so alone and misunderstood. Now, after writing this, those feelings feel somewhat less present. 

Thank you for reading.